It was like facing the gestapo interrogation team.
In true baby boomer fashion the panel addressed the library members consisting of one decaying baby boomer [myself], one millennial [x-generation] and one y-generation. Armed with a set of questions neatly typed out and created to draw out the inner truth of what you were not saying, or what you were hinting at - they tried to fit everything my left brained colleagues and myself being right brained with an interfering left brain said, into their neat and tidy box.
They got so frustrated - we had them running in circles. I could see them try to analyise what we said and how we reacted, trying to read between the lines - pens whirring taking down snappy notes for later discussion and we happily led them in a merry goose chase to the truth. I mean, lets face it, why lie. We are not trying to speak in the tongues of angels - we are just telling it like it is. We work as a team, we laugh together, we cry together, no one ever says, 'that's not in my job description'. We train each other, we support each other, we fight and we forgive, we all do the work we do with passion - is that so hard to believe Panel Member number 2? Stop trying to fit us into your box - which quadrant do you think I would land in. I have been tested at 90% left [not mathematical] and 100% right. Impossible? - yeah that's what the psychologist said, and fascinated wanted to make me a case study.
Eventually we won them over - when someone is passionate and speaks the language they want to hear - like success rates, information training, adaptability of courses to meet the learning preferences of each group, interventions, identifying gaps in skills and knowledge - re-training. Man one is just speaking the language of the gods and they eat it all up like those hard sugar cookies my Hottentot nanny used to make for me as a child.
Sad really because when you have a passion for something you don't have to analise what to do, it just comes naturally. Later you read in a book how it should be done and then a light dawns - 'man that is what I have been doing all along - so I must be on the right path'.
Objectives are not things set down on paper with sweat and blood like panel member 3 thinks they should be - they are birthed in the minds of people who can see the needs of others, who can have empathy with those left behind when technology overtook the world like a high tide wave foaming and frothing, who desire nothing more that to open windows to new ideas, new skills and new knowledge in such a way that everyone they touch has revelation of what is being taught and can understand it and apply this new found knowledge or skills to their lives.
Chairperson panel member number 1 now caught up in the passion of the moment says, "you should be presenting papers at conferences nationally" - shall I tell her I tried and wanted to run a million miles before I did that again - naw might as well let her enjoy her fantasy.
This reminds me of just a week before that an organization had begged me to take over the leadership - I would be its national president. They felt I was the only person on this planet they trusted to do it with passion combined with dedication, vision and managerial skills.
I just began to enjoy the sunshine and the feeling of being wanted because of what you are capable of, when suddenly I saw Satan clear as daylight laughing in the eyes of Panel member number five. A little voice said to me, "you have to choose. This light you are using is my light, this gift to teach and reach are my gifts, you can use them to bring glory to yourself like a file saved in the temp folder, or you can take up your cross and follow me. The Son of man has no where to lay his head - this glory you want to claim belongs to the Father and is given to you on loan to be able to draw others to His love and His salvation".
The choice self glorification or the cross - this is not as easy as it seems, God help me to choose the cross. I love life, I enjoy every minute, I give myself in free abandonment to nature, to reading to creating curriculum, to training people to use puppets, to be a volunteer where I can, to reach out to a dark and lonely world, to share where I can, to listen to those people do not want to listen to - but I realise it is only when your focus is on Gods purpose for your life and you join Him in what He is doing, that everything lights up and gets meaning for the greater good. It's not like you stop enjoying life, you enhance it.
So 'no thank you national president status', 'no thank you great and wonderful conferences and key note speaker'. While I play at self-glorification a whole generation is heading for the end of their lives without that inner peace that I have, without the knowledge of how God loves them and with no hope for eternal joy with God the Father. Let me turn the focus off myself and like John the Baptist say, "prepare a way for the Lord, I must become nothing while He becomes great".
